Education » Parenting Articles
Qualities of Positive Parenting
© Anne Geller, 2003
Respectful of Children
One of the values many if not most parents wish to install in their child
the quality of respect for others. One of the most powerful ways to instill
respect is to model it. Being respectful of others usually involves listening,
considering others needs, interests and perspectives, and allowing others
to have a point of view that is different than yours. Our ability to do
this for our children can help them, eventually, learn to be respectful
of others.
Reflects Feeling
Too often we begin with the end. Our child comes to us with a hurt, an
anger, a problem and we tell him what he should do, or worse, what he should
HAVE done. At the end of a hard day or difficult experience (in a child's
world), we want to know that we are being listened to and understood. With
children we do well to help them understand their feelings as a first step.
Labeling feelings of all kinds can help children understand themselves and
others and is a foundational skill for that development of empathy.
Clear Expectations
On the basketball court, there are lots of lines. If I don't know where
the out of bounds line is, I can't play the game successfully. Neither can
our children. Having clear and communicated expectations can decrease anxiety
in children because there are fewer uncertainties. The younger the child,
the more reminders and preparations she will need about expectations. Gentle
guidance is the goal here.
Facilitates Thinking and Responsibility
Positive parenting helps children both think through and take responsibility.
Children may be taught specific thinking and problem solving skills. Young
children can benefit by game playing like "What do you think might
happen if…" Helping children understand cause and effect is
an important thinking skill.
Consistent and Appropriate Follow Through
Here's a rule of thumb - avoid threatening a consequence or giving a direction
that you're not willing to follow through on. You lose your credibility
and children lose their clear sense of what's expected of them. If the rules
of the game keep changing, then how am I supposed to play the game successfully?
Here's another rule of thumb - when nurturing the positive, use lots of
words, smiles and physical affection. When setting limits, use few. Follow
through and consequences should be appropriate to the behavior and to the
child's temperament and development (see below). Time out is often used
as a consequence, but time out only helps a child understand what you're
not happy about. It teaches nothing about what you as a parent desire from
the child. At its best, time out may be used in a non-punishing way to help
a child calm down or take a break from the undesired behavior or the attention
it is getting. But after a child is calm, appropriate follow through includes
helping the child problem solve, think of alternative choices and practice
more desired behaviors in a way that build a sense of confidence and competence.
Focus on the Positive
Children will often behavior in ways that gets the best reaction, so give
them your best, most animated responses when they're doing things you want
to see more of. This can be anything from refraining from hitting an annoying
sibling to bringing their dishes to the sink. When a challenging behavior
occurs, be clear about the rules, but keep as neutral as possible. Over
time this strategy usually serves to increase those behaviors you most appreciate.
Developmentally Appropriate
Children are people too, but they're a different kind of people. Many times
we think children should understand something or remember something,
but often that's just not possible for them because their brains aren't
ready to work that way yet. Two year olds are, for the most part, not capable
of taking another person's perspective - which is why sharing is a difficult
request to make of a two year old. Four year olds can be guided to understand
another's perspective, but may need more help in developing skills to
respond appropriately to that information. All children have unique temperaments
and developmental capacities. Paying attention to and learning about
a child's strengths and challenges can be both fascinating and can greatly
impact the quality of positive parenting a child receives.
